Troubled mind [entries|friends|calendar] aleph_1919 < [ E N T R I E S] [ F R I E N D S ] [ I N F O ] [ A R C H I V E] < Welcome to my mind, please, do take a seat. May I offer you something to drink? Coffee perhaps? All right then, I will begin by telling you a little about myself. My name is Brian, I‘m 20 years old, brown hair, and compelling green eyes. I‘ve been said to have a nice smile, and half the time I believe it. I live in a small town in Arizona, and I work all the time; in fact I hardly ever do anything else other than work. I have two jobs, and I‘m doing what I can to move out, but that’s another story, let us move on. Comfortable? Good. It is so nice to have company, it gets rather lonesome here at times, I have few visitors, and very rarely do they pop in to say hi. Anyway, I must be off, so sorry to cut this short, without ever establishing a point. Do enjoy your stay, and if you need me, all you have to do is simply call my name..I‘ll be there right beside you. I hope you enjoy this place, since you'll be here a very very long time. < Oh, well hello again, didn‘t see you there. What‘s that you say? What do I like? Oh, so glad you asked! No sit I insist. I am a huge fan of art, it captivates me, and I find myself entranced by every brushstroke, or each simple mark of the pencil. I really love to use charcoal, such a beautiful shade, and so much can be done with it. Have you ever been outside at 2 in the morning on a night without a moon? NO? Well that’s a shame, you are truly missing out. There is nothing more beautiful than the purely dark crystalline sky. You can see every tiny glint up there, you must come out with me sometime. Why sure, tonight is fine! Very fine indeed! I‘ll be expecting you. Music you say? Ah, yes, music..how could I forget music? I can sit and listen to Moonlight sonata for hours and hours, and then switch it over to Cold, Tool, or even Killswitch Engage, then straight over to Cross Canadian Ragweed or even Robert Earl Keen. In fact, there are very few types of music that I don‘t enjoy. Oops, Pardon me, I have left a very important food in the telephone, feel free to wander about some more.. Surely you realize you can never leave this place, now that you’re here. < There you are! I‘ve been running rampant around here looking for you. What do I dislike? Hmm.. I really hate making Milkshakes. I have made thousands upon thousands of them, and I absolutely hate it. There‘s no creativity to it, nothing exciting about it. I also hate being treated like I‘m less than human. No no, you know exactly what I mean: When people purposely ignore you, or treat you like complete shit, or make you feel inferior. It makes me want to get angry and violent just so I could prove that I am greater than what they think. But ultimately, I am a better person for keeping that anger inside. Another thing I dislike would have to be distance. I am afraid it is, and always will be, stacked against me. My most valued friends live too far away to go and see, and it breaks my heart. Speaking of a broken heart, I absolutely hate love! Oh don‘t look so confused, I‘m serious. To me, love is just a huge waste of time, least in my life it is. I have never been happier than now, in my being self dependent. I really just don‘t want to deal with all the typical relationship bullshit, plain and simple. Like I always say, “I‘m not Mr. Right, but I‘ll fuck you till he gets here.” I already told you, you‘re never getting out, you‘ve already come too far into my mind, and once you‘re there, I can never let you leave. You are the fly in my infinitely tangled web, and I will feel every last move you make while you‘re in my domain. I am always watching. I don‘t belong to communities, I am cut off from the rest of the world, and now, you are stuck here with me. Still searching for the door?. Your links go here. Why do you keep searching? I told you, you‘ll never find your way out. + Layout Design:Raven O'Shea + Image Source: Perfectly Circular + Brushes:Hybrid Genesis + Lyrics:A Perfect Circle This layout was coded and designed by Raven O'Shea. No part of the code or image may be redistributed, copied, changed, or used without written concent of either her or Freelayouts. Love is free, so respect it and don't rip. Thanks. I am the Deathbringer in Shinning Armor, I am ancient and eternal. You will know the edge of my sword, and I will make you suffer unto me, as you have made those others dear to me suffer. Kneal now and bow your head, I give you your one last chance to pray to your gods who don't exist in this place. And then you will know I am Wrath, I am Anger, I am Vengence. Kneal before me, and take the honor of my sword.. [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Back from the dead [07 Mar 2006|08:17pm] I had two days off.. Boring Uneventful Waste of time. That pretty much sums it up. Back to work tonight, woo hoo!! Finally something to do. All work and no play That pretty much sums it up. I think I become a little more anti social every day. I don't even wanna join games on diablo with lots of people in em.. I think its about a good time to find that cave deep in the woods. Hmm but then I couldn't go to work... I need some coffee, or maybe some tea. Tea would be delish. I think I'll have a spot o tea. I'm really bored... if you couldn't tell... Yeah... I don't have a damn thing to talk about. Do do do hmm... I need beer.. its been way too long since I've had beer. I needa turn 21 so I don't have to wait on those two lazy fucks to go get me beer. and I can buy good beer too.. None of that "Snow plow" bullshit. God that was nasty. Anyway I'ma go do that thing That I do Smoke the hookah. mm Its hookariffic. Prreeeow.

Vampires [16 Jan 2006|02:49pm] Take the quiz: Which Vampire Clan Do You Belng To? Followers of Set You are mistrusted perhaps more than any other Clan. Clan quote: 'Please. I'd thought you above such abysmal Judeo-Christian fallacies. Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!

Across the Void [03 Jan 2006|09:33pm] I stand here alone on my ledge Out above everything and everyone My only comfort is the freezing rain turned to needles by the wind. Still I stand here. I can look out across it all, still see it all clearly across this void. I remember the days, back when I meant something. Back when I was of value, someone you cared about I'm not the only one here who's distant So far away that its not worth the reach. But I have my reasons for the way I am A logic behind it all. Why I've bolted my doors from everyone. Whats your reason? Hardly a reason at all since its unknown even to you. So as I stand here with my hands in my pockets, shivering in this storm I think back again about all the deep talks, the times we were there for eachother Every tear, every smile Every hug that never happened. I know that there's only one thing that remains true in my world I'm always going to be here. And I'll always be waiting for the day. I turn from this ledge, with one last look across the void Where only silence dwells, the wind and rain the only company to the forgotten memories the words once spoken without a voice Which may never have been there anyway. Back into my tower upon this cliff, back into the dark recesses of stone I go. To my tomb, to my solitude. Where I will always remain in secret, when all else is forgotten, when every last glittering jewel turns to powder, when the last flower finally withers, only the things I've givin will be there to remember me by. And you'll never know I'm gone.

Stand out on the edge of the earth [02 Jan 2006|10:01pm] Yeah I've been to Jupiter And I've fallen thru the air I used to live out On the moon But now I'm back here down on earth... Why are you here? Are you listening? Can you hear what I am saying? I am not here I'm not listening I'm in my head And I'm spinning.... Is this who you are? Some sweet Violent urge? a weak fallen man with the promise of an end... All the pretty people died... Innocence is out of style All the whores have gone away Now there's nothing left for me... now there's nothing.. Why are you here? are you listening? can you hear what I am saying? I am not here... I'm not listening... I'm in my head.. And I'm spinning... Is this who you are? some sweet violent urge? A weak fallen man a weak fallen man a weak fallen man With the promise of an end? is this who you are?? Some sweet violent urge... a weak fallen man With the promise of an end...... Yeah.. that pretty much sums it all up there... how I feel.. apocolyptic and insane my dreams won't ever change Its not a matter of luck its just a matter of time... Stand out on the edge of the earth... stand out on the edge of the earth dive into the center of pain walk right inside of the gun look into this new future's face...

Love...is a burnin thing...and it makes...a firey ring... [29 Dec 2005|07:35pm] Okay...now that I had a mother fucking novel written...myspace decides to give me a fucking error, so I lost every god damn mother fucking letter I fucking typed. FUCK YOU bastards... Goddamn it Anyway, what I was saying..and had all well written, and really thought out... was that... people are fucking stupid, especially all these dumb fuckin girls that think they're in love with every dumb fuckin guy they date. you are all fucking stupid. Now I don't mean the ones who've been together for like..half a year or so...and really work well together, and there's all kindsa passion and that whole connection thing... Good for you guys, hope ya'll stay together and things keep goin smooth. I'm talkin about the whole..."Oh my god its been a week and he's so wonderful I'm madly in love so what if he fucked my best friend three times yesterday, he loves me and I love him and we're gonna get married.." BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH Yeah... that sorta thing really annoys me Why? Give it maybe... another week or so.. and miss lovey dovey head up her ass will be bawlin her eyes out cause Mr Right just fucked her over royally, cause guess what...he didn't love ya, imagine that. What really makes my ass twitch is the whole bullshit where you have a friend who finally gets someone..and from then on out...its always "MY boyfriend this, or my girlfriend that" in every goddamn conversation. So what? We can't use their names anymore? Are you tryin to fuckin prove something by boasting that you're taken? insecure much? Yeah.. Shut up, we know who the fuck you're talkin about, you've been reminding us you're together and in love for a whole...1 month... now. (Its almost as if they're trying to convince themselves that they actually are with someone) And along those lines... to give a perfect example.. Girl I used to talk to for a while, whom I actually considered dating, finds someone else. No big deal to me, I really don't want any kind of relationship. At all. You all should know this by now. Anyway, so she has a new b/f, which is cool, good for them. its been almost a month ALMOST A MONTH and she's all "I love him, we're getting married in a few months" If only there were words to describe me trying to hold back the laughter. For those of you who know me...you know the shit eating grin I get on my face when I'm trying not to laugh but somethings really fuckin funny... yeah that look. There's only one thing I can really say about the whole situation there Thank God I'm not that poor guy. Fuck that noise. Which also gets me thinking... okay so this guys like... a single dad? He's like 23?... no fuckin wonder. If you're plannin marraige after a fuckin month, I really don't think its gonna work out. Maybe you should wait a little longer to see where it goes before you knock someone up too perhaps... thats just my opinion... but what do I know? So what I'm getting at is...Fuck love It is really fuckin retarded. Everything is just a stereotypical storybook disney ass fuckin romance. If it were me, sleeping beauty would still have her lazy ass asleep in a goddamn tower guarded by a goddamn dragon. I am not about to get burned alive for a piece of ass. The bitch just sleeps all day anyway...wtf's the point? Yes, I am very much a Hater. b R i A n _ my anti-love fin.

[13 Dec 2005|06:28am] Listening to a whole lot of classical compositions...which led into getting a ton of opera and symphony stuff... I'm in a weird mood. I'm under the ice floating beneath, in a word of pale and dark greens that play with the light and the ripples of the water...looking up at the world passing by, changing with the passing of the sun and moon, the colors of the seasons coming and going.. And I'm here lying at the bottom unbenounced to everyone. Alone. With nothing but the beautiful saddness of the music flowing gently through my body like a soft warm breeze. I had once heard that drowning was very peaceful...and this is what it must be like...that final peace in lonliness when you give up your last breath for the cool water, and let your life slip slowly through your fingertips. Yet at the bottom of this ocean, I'm not dying...just letting the world pass me by as if it were in fast forward and myself in reverse. Slowly I surface, silently reaching for the edge of the shore, and walking back into the snow and the cold, down that lonesome trail again. I choose this path over the other, for it will always be winter inside my heart, and I travel away from the sun to avoid the spring. I breathe deep, looking back once again to the calm warm waters from which I just came from, and then ahead of me, down that path on which I will never reach the end, the wind chills my face, touching my cheeks as tender and softly as the sweetest lover, embracing my whole, and bending me to her will. I fight the shivering and I pull my cloak back up around my shoulders, and my hood over my head...and onward down this path I go once again. And inside I'm happy again once more. I had taken two steps down that other path, into the warm sunny days to come, and in her smile and her outstretched hand, I knew this is not the path I am to take, so I walked back again, trudging heavily through the snow, the sound of the organs pounding in my head, humming along with the music only I can hear, for there is no one else around. Solitude. Thats when I came across the gargantuan cliffs of a colorless world, out across the placid green sea. The waves tumbled against the rocks below in an endless battle, each last drop of water hurling itself against the ageless stones, desperately trying to move it at last, slowly, until the sea takes back the land which is rightfully hers. Turmoil, the waves say to me, come and find your serenity at the bottom. Music, beautiful, sad, bringing me to my knees. To the sea, who's surface glitters with a million emeralds, reaching upwards to me against the rocks which have no color, begging me to come down, let them catch me, carry me away. It was then that I fell forward, aiming for the abyss which would embrace all the darkness inside me, only to have drifted under the icy shores..into a peaceful place amidst the music and the ice above. I could drown in this forever, I thought to myself, but it is time to go back to where I am to be going...on this bitter cold path of life

Internal winters melt [07 Dec 2005|12:58am] I hate winters. Sure..holidays are happy..but with that happiness always comes depression and increased suicide rates.. And then somewhere out on this winding road is Brian..and Brian hits a crossroads out there. The sings are all faded and unreadable, and there's no lights in the distance through the thick trees down either road. They both look exactly the same. So its here that I sit down, on a stone, looking down each road. Somone steps out of the trees up ahead down one of the road and beckons. A sweet face, warm smile. Down the other road blows a cold wind, and some fallen leaves, while the trees begin to grow more desolate and uninviting. Its winter down that path, nobody walks down that road anymore..down the other she still smiles, asks me to come with her. Light filters down through the leaves, the air is warm in that direction, and it seems that finally I'll have a companion to walk with mile after mile. But in my emptiness, I'm still weary of company..and I could easily continue the lonely bitter road alone, till I reach the end, or until I become lost. Its a hard call due to the fact that I could be happy either way. Yet I am tempted..tempted to give up this long lonely walk, to see where that road takes me.. Slowly I take two steps forward. She smiles.

Breaking Point [05 Dec 2005|07:15am] Work tonight wasn't bad, just Amanda and I doing the baking shit. It was allright, not too challenging or complicated. We both aren't in the best of moods. 5 am yesterday morning Lacey comes home, some random guy she met at the bar with her. They were really rude and inconsiderate. People are fuckin tryin to sleep, and they come in slammin the doors, being loud as fuck, and then they're off bangin like a screen door in a hurricane being so fucking loud they probably woke the damn block up. Seriously pissed us off cause 1 I was up all night, my sister was also up all night since she's got as bad insomnia as I do, and she was just falling asleep, and her room shares a vent with Lacey's room, my room shares a fucking wall, and 2 its some random ass guy that she doens't even know more than his first name, in our house. Not exactly someone I'd trust to just let himself out after, he could easily take some of our pricey cool shit ya know? The shit is just not cool, at 5 am especially. I mean shit, at least be quiet about it. Have some goddamn dignity. I wouldn't want everyone thinking I'm a fuckin whore cause I am screamin my ass off at the crack of dawn. fuckin shit just isn't cool. If it was a guy she plans on seein more often, or actually knows, and had maybe brought him over a few times, then sure..okay..fine...just don't wake the neighborhood at 5 am allright? She does this shit ALL the time apparently... She does this again and wakes me up, she will suffer my revenge. I already have a few ideas, one being get a longer hose so when she does this again, just drag the water hose thru the house, kick down her door and fuckin let loose with the cold ass hose water. That should get the point across. Next is just to fight fire with fire...start bringin home girls and hittin it up against the wall I share with her room at odd ass hours of the night, many a time in the night. On a night in which she has to work the next day. Luckily I'm a nice guy and wouldn't do that sorta thing just for revenge sakes. I posted this a while ago and something else has just recently arisen, which has also struck a nerve in me, which almost immediately makes me cold and bitter. So I really don't want to get into specifics with this, so I'm going to only say this. You're on my shit list, you've been on there for a long time, if ever you cross my mind, the thought is followed by a million others which only show the various ways to make you suffer in agony thru various methods of torture, and unthinkable pain, just for the simple fact that I do not like you, and I wouldn't ever try either. Be glad I'm not there because there's nothin I'd like more than to stick you to a wall, 5 feet from the ground, by jamming my sword thru your stomache right above your waist, with the sharp ends of the blade facing vertically, so the weight of your body would cause you to slide downwards, so you slowly gut yourself until your downward progress is halted by the blade coming into contact with your ribcage and stopping there. Do not ever speak to, or speak of me. As for all you guys reading this, sorry, I'm very very hateful, and probably really psychotic. all my friends, I love ya, and I promise I'm harmless(just don't piss me off, or fuck me over allright?)

hey [24 Nov 2005|01:18pm] well things are still goin great, got my ass kicked yesterday at work tho, busiest day in grocery nationwide. They had me baggin and chasing freakin carts all day...and only havin 3 hours of sleep...I was dead. I'm still dead tired. Oh well, happy thanksgiving

The Incredibly Random Halloween Adventure of Trojan Man and Rubber Boy [31 Oct 2005|11:34pm] Happy Halloween everyone, hope ya'll had a great night. I ended up going to Flagstaff and meeting up with a friend who asks to remain anonymous. We decided finally to buy a bunch of condoms and go to the dorms and go door to door giving them out, since they all dubbed me Trojan Man. Had an awesome time, lotta people got a kick out of it, and we did as well. Spent an hour doin this and dished out three boxes worth of rubbers. Hope ya'll have a Safe halloween, and if any of you were visited by yours truly, add me up, and if you took pictures I'd really appreciate a copy! Thank ya'll, Adieu.

Take away my fear please hold onto me I'm falling.. [27 Oct 2005|10:09pm] Found out today my step mom Sally is in the hospital, had surgery for a tumor in her large intestine..I'm freakin scared...they don't yet know if it is cancer or not... I'm wracked with greif and worry... this is killin me.

Just tired of hearin the same old song... [25 Oct 2005|11:04pm] [ mood | discontent ] So yesterday...was a shitty fuckin day. And I tried posting a comment three times only to be SHUT DOWN by fuckin stupid errors so I got furious and threw shit and yelled and bitched and gave up. So today since I'm in better spirits, I'll give that another chance. "-Message from the narrorator of this blog. So yeah, Mondays fuckin suck! I hate em. So what went down was, sunday night, I had noooooo sleep whatsoever, going to bed finally around three am and getting up again at 6 to get ready for work. Ugh...work... So then I get there, Mark isn't there cause he had the mud butt, so I had to deal with more shit than usual, since it was just me back in the warehouse. Bad part about that was my eyes were'nt talking to my brain, so I wasn't reading anything right. Took the wrong shit up to the tables...and in big quantities... liiiiiike an order for about 80 lights to be taken up... It was supposed to be Chrome slims, and I brought up 80 chrome daylighters...and 80 covers...instead of the 80 grills I needed...ssooooo I had to take all that shit back and take the right shit up, but I brought up black grills instead of chrome...so fuckin A! Anyway, more shit went on like that. Worst part was after work at KC, I went home to get my shirt for work at Twisters...well on the way back into town, bout 6 minutes from work, coming up the hill into williams before the railroad tracks...my fuckin tire blows out on me and scares the bloody fuckin shit outa me. Had to jerk it over to the side and try not to hit the guard rail (or not to go thru it...) and finally got it over and stopped. So then I called work to let them know I'd be late, and I needed a little assistance, so Phil came out and got me, and helped me get the tire off (the jack wouldn't fit under my car, so I had to lift up the front end for him to slide it under...he was all..goddamn hercules!...damn adrenaline was goin crazy.) Anyway so we slap on the ol DONUT! and that fuckin thing was FLAT! god damn fucking luck So I just said fuck it, and drove on it across town to the station, had em slap on a spare for me while we wait for my new tires to come in. more money gone bye bye...bye bye..... Then at about 7:50, while we were cleanin up at work, closin that shit down, Heather called....and I missed it...so that didn't help the matter...cause by the time I saw the call was missed..I was home already and I get no bars out here.... so...monday just sucked. And then the sun rose and therefore it was tuesday... So Tuesday. Today. This very fucking morning. Actually got some sleep. 1 am as opposed to 3 am. woooohoooooooo. Work wasn't too bad today, Mark was there so let the bullshit, shit talk, and all out fuckin around and makin fun of people and things and this and that begin. Keeps things interesting. Renee was really bitchy today, yelling and ranting and pissin n moanin bout EVERYFUCKING THING. Really got on my nerves...if she wasn't my friend...I woulda said goddamn bitch shut the fuck up and take a mydol or something. But yeah, all I did was just nod my head and walk away. And laugh every time Mark'd say "Damn her eyes get really pretty when she's mad" or "She's really hot when she's angry" ...fuckin Mark.. So I had to go up on one of the top shelves and bring down some light brackets...the most anoying things in the world... And as I was cuttin open the the box with the ol razor knife since I left my trusty Kershaw at home by accident My hand slipped with the razor and I ended up slashin a cut straight down my left wrist, parallel to the arteries...if it were deeper...I'd be a little pale...and probably in the hospital. So yeah I look like I tried to slit my wrists...so I had to slap some big ass bandaids on em for work tonight so the customers wouldn't think I was a cutter...only my hands are all fuct up from cuts here and then, I had about 5 bandaids on either hand. Work tonight wasn't too bad, slow, but entertaining. Got outa there, called Heather, really enjoyed talking to her. Gonna have to call her tomorrow. Hmm... "tomorrow's another start but it looks like everyday..."-Cold, Anatomy of a Tidal Wave..

Bang my head against the wall cause its there [10 Oct 2005|09:31pm] [ mood | amused ] [ music | Cross Canadian Ragweed- Live and loud and the Wormy Dog ] New episode of ROME tonight, HELL YEAH! Anyway, not much going on in my secluded ass little world. Got my bad ass gauntlets in the other day, and I wish I could wear em all the time, I love metal studs, chains and spikes..mmm spikes. And I look purdy wicked with em on. Also got my frog for my belt, holds my gladius perfectly. Now I'm just waiting on my armor and my greaves..and I'll be set! needa work on my helm some more still, gotta put some batting in it, and get some straps. fuckin things made for abnormal sized headed peoples, not brian sized headed peoples so I gotta stuff..haha I stuff my helm, whats your excuse? Anyway, I gotta work tomorrow..fuckin shit sucks. As for the ghostly and the unknown, the ghosts n spirits have been quiet lately, I think they're bored with me not being home anymore, so they may have gone to another place around here..they seem to like to drift..looks like tonight may be a good night to do that good ol thing and see if I can get something to happen. Noises..bumps..taps..maybe even a voice or a faint flicker of something. Who knows. What I do know is, when I die, whenever that may be, I'm stayin here on Earth, and I'm not going to just haunt one place, I'm going to roam wherever I can, why be a boring ghost when I've got the will n spirit to be something more? Who knows, maybe I'll come back like I'm sure I have before..and like others have also told me I have done..and I can start this over again, and hopefully next time I can make myself remember more of everything. And if I do remain a spirit on this infinite plane, all of my good dear friends will be hearing from me, cause well..can't just leave ya'll without a word, I gotta check up on ya'll once in a while ya know? Anway, Adieu to you all who are reading this..have a good night.

This week can kiss my ass [04 Oct 2005|10:49pm] [ mood | aggravated ] [ music | 30 seconds to Mars ] So its only fuckin Tuesday! well its almost over but still...wtf.. This week is going to be one big pile o shit! First of all, I'm out of Cloves! GAH! and I don't have a night off till friday....alas it will have to wait. I have nasty ass reserve smokes. Stacie and Josh are here..which means Brian gets to suffer through the hell of hearing just how I'm wasting my life, or I'm a fuck up, or I should be on this or that pill. Personally, I work my fucking ass off cause I'm going to accomplish my fucking dreams, so those two can go fuck themselves. Their anniversary is on friday...and I'm so going to ditch out on that...I don't want to be home at all this week..I wish I coulda gone off on that cruise with Miss Kristin..that woulda been awesome. Lets see..work is going to suck cause we have this gay fuckin fall festival, and that Leanne Rhymes bitch is supposed to be singin or something...yeah...who gives a fuck right? right. I think I made some customers sad cause they were all stoked about it and when they asked me if I was excited about it, I was like...no, I really don't care about it. But alas, I'll have to work with my sister and her dumbfuckin hubby, and so its gonna suck ass. I needa cigarette. Anyway, since Kristin is leavin me for the cruise..I got nobody else to keep me company round heres...so yeah.. I need something to do on friday! so anyone.. if you wanna go do something...lemme know! I just don't wanna go home dammit! So seriously...lemme know. My armor still hasn't arrived...grr...makes me mad. I'm impatient when it comes to these things cause if I were the one shipping, I'd insist on a fast shipping, I want my customers to be HAPPY! Any fucking way... almost done with Blood Canticle, awesome little book there... going to get two more tomorrow. Hmm.. I need to sleep... oh fuck I forgot my beer in the other room, I'll talk atchya'll l8r.

Taylor is my hero [03 Oct 2005|10:20pm] So how does this look?

Ocean [11 Sep 2005|01:44pm] If the wind could bring the rain I would save it all for you Make an ocean to sail away and begin again They said i could never change That i cant belong to you Than i watched you sip away in the oceans arms I'll never get you back. Its like fallin down a wave, Fallin down a wave I'll never get you back. Its like fallin down a wave, Fallin down a wave If a star could light the way That could take me back to you And the rain could wash away Everything ive done Only melody remains So i sing my song to you As i watched you slip away in the oceans arms I will never get you back

do it for me [10 Sep 2005|11:07pm] one of those insecurity quizzes....

Of the events of Last night, and tonight [08 Sep 2005|12:22am] As of my experience last night, I am a bit unclear as to what happened. After talking to Mary, I went back to my room, and into the enclosed space of my bathroom. I lit a candle, and a stick of insence, and shut off all other lights. I lit up a cigarette and began my meditation, staring constantly into my eyes in the mirror. I started to ask questions to whatever may be listening or near me. I noticed as soon as I acknowledged this presense, the candle started to flicker violently. I took up my twin daggers, as is my custom when meditating, and held them close. I told this force that I would ask questions, and if yes, make the candle stop flickering, if no, make no change. I can't clearly remember anything I asked, all I know is that indeed, the candle flickered, then stopped after I had asked the appropriate questions. Trick of the wind? Not likely, my bathroom was completely closed off, and the smoke from the insense didn't stir at all. I finally asked if I could be shown this entity which made the candle dance...and I stared harder into the mirror at myself, into my own eyes. The candle flickered violently, and the shadows seems to creep in from everywhere, only then I realized the face I was seeing in the mirror was distorted, as if another image was over it, and through this other image, my face was becoming harder to see, all but my eyes. I realized I was still seeing a face, but it wasn't my face. In fact it seemed to be more animal looking than anything, like a large cat of sorts..there were colors wildly flooding my vision like static, but the face remained, then the candle calmed and it stopped like that. I closed my eyes at this point, trying to feel and see thru the mind what my vision had failed to see, but I could get no clear image in my head. Once again I looked into the mirror, and once again all things darkened around me, and the face once again. I don't really understand it, or remember anything very well in detail, even tho it was only last night. Perhaps Mary will have a theory or explanation. I know it answered yes to my question of was this force something bound to the house and lands around it. It answered no when I inquired if it was my spirit guide, or some sort of guardian. It said not that it was either good, nor evil when I asked, but it answered yes when I asked if it was nuetral. I heard no words with my ears, or thru my mind. Just the flickering candle would stop after I asked..then flicker again wildly when I started another question. Sometimes it would stay calm for a long time, other times it'd stop...hesitate, and go back. I may try again tonight. I am very curious about these things as you all are aware. I only hope Mary understands all I've said. And onto the event of tonight. I was driving home after work, 10:30 pm, highway 64. I had passed Spring Valley Road, which I live on, to go to the next road down, Hoctor. I was on the phone with my best friend Josh, and suddenly I saw a light coming down the road, it wasn't as bright as a headlight from a car, and it was lone, I thought it to be some cyclist or something...only I realized that it came down the right hand side of the road, and was a little higher than my car, and it crossed the road in front of me to the left. Then it stopped in a tree..this bright bright orb, looking like the eyeshine of some animal in the headlights, only the light never stopped when the headlights passed it...just as suddenly as I had seen it, and as I came close to it, it was gone, like it had never been there...I immediately had Josh startled as I described this to him...he was like dude wtf...It was an odd thing to see so clearly..Once agian, I hope for Mary's Council on this as always. Adieu

Ozzfest [22 Aug 2005|11:08pm] [ mood | Wouldn't you like to know? ] [ music | Heavens a Lie ] Well I had a good vacation. We went down to PHX on the 17th, and got to the hotel, it was Me, Cody, Danielle and her brown brother Robert lol. We ended up cruisin the ghetto for a few hours while we decided where to go eat. Can you believe they even tagged the palm trees there? wtf? So after dinnah we went back to the room. Danielle and Cody had a seperate one, so I had to crash with Robert. I hardly know the guy so we were pretty bored till we started watchin family guy and robot chicken. Adult swim rocks the casbah. Hmm...talked to Allie the item whore, in fact, woke her ass up. lol. it was like 2 am in Virginia. So it was nice to talk to her for a while. Her new b/f hates me for some reason. Seems to be a trend, everyone's b/f hates me. Hmm sooo the next day we went and had pancakes at IHOP (Emily was right, the palce friggin rawks the socks off denny's, altho they questioned me about my smoking Djarum Blacks) All I gotta say...Swedish pancakes are weird shit...think I'ma stick to belgian waffles. So then we went to the concert, got our VIP's and got to go in by way of red capret, thru the side, no searches, no lines. it was bad ass. We met up with my sister Amanda, and her b/f Gabe and his buddy Clayton, and bullshitted a while then went over to second stage. Most of the bands were pretty lame, never heard of em, just a bunch of screamin numetal bands. Mastadon came on and that was pretty damn good, followed by As I lay Dying, they were damn good. Then Killswitch Engage came on, and I ditched my friends and fam for the pit. Pushed my way up DAAMN close. it was awesome! they put on a hell of a good show. Moshing broke out on all sides and some dude got thrown up and over me from behind, and crashed into the people in front, funny as hell. Then Manda and Gabe and Clayton and I went back and found some shade, fuckin heat was BAD. around 4 they opened up the seats finally so we went and sat down. DEAD CENTER BABY! WE had the best view of the whole stage. In Flames opened up, sucks they didn't get to play much, but we were all on our feet outcheering the rest of the crowd, the heat was really bad and everyone was tired and sittin down. After that, BLS came out...bah fuckin sick of Zakk Wylde, the guy needs to learn how to play something else, cept for the same shit, different tuning. Shadows Fall was allright, not one of my fav's. Then Mudvayne came out, talk about bad ass! Cool light and stage set up, I had to call Goat Choker up and let him hear "World so Cold" just so he wouldn't be sad later. Amanda and Gabe had gotten up by then, cause the heat was so bad Gabe was bout to get fatigued, we all were. They got us some grub which was pretty nice. After that I went back to the VIP lounge and met up with Cody and the gang. Got a Tshirt for Mike, our hookup, I gotta go drop that off for him tomorrow. We ended up leavin early due to Danielle's fear of traffic, which wasn't bad cause we were bout to drop. So we had us some Taco Bell, and ended up buying like ten bucks worth of rubber bouncy balls...we were gonna toss em off the overpass into traffic but Danielle was about to kill us just for thinkin of it, Ended up bouncing em off our third floor balcony, across the parking lot, into the canal, and across the canal into the little area beside the interstate lol. Hmm friday we tore outa there and went and ate out at Anthem, spent a few hours just lookin at the shops, got me some bad ass magnet style lego things(I'm a kid at heart man) and some kinda fork that all extends like three feet lol it was random ok? Got back to Williams at like 3, and went straight into work on friday. It was a pretty good night, my sisters Robin and Amanda came up to help us with the car show, and Andy, Robins man was out there cookin too. So it was a pretty good day. Lots of awesome cars. Lots of really stupid people tho. Saw some real cute girls so that was nice. Well thats bout all I gosta say. l8r Currently listening: Comalies By Lacuna Coil Release date: By 29 October, 2002

quiz whore [30 Jul 2005|12:43am] Your Deadly Sins Envy: 80% Wrath: 80% Gluttony: 60% Lust: 60% Sloth: 60% Greed: 40% Pride: 40% Chance You'll Go to Hell: 60% You will die in a duel. How Sinful Are You? Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan Your name is... Your kiss is... mysterious Your hugs are... gentle Your eyes... light up a day Your touch is... heart warming Your smell is... exotic Your smile is... hypnotising Your love is... unique Quiz created with MemeGen! Your Miroku! all that matters in life is who is going to be your next boyfriend/girlfriend and where to take him/her next. Not to worry though, because you are bright and you do your school work. And hey, you even have a fan club! What Inuyasha Character are you? brought to you by Quizilla

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